God of the Buried Self

I am writing this in the prayer room of my church after a wonderful Spiritual Direction session with my Director. The snow is falling in great white flakes and I can see the wintry wonderland through the large windows in the room. It really is my favourite place to be silent and contemplate God, life and how to become a better disciple of Christ. Today my Director and I experienced God's sense of humour, his mercy and his great love for us, but what struck me most was a beautiful picture of discovering myself.

"There is a process of digging, moving large amounts of earth, sifting dirt, and then the detail work that painstakingly removes the last grains with a soft brush to reveal the created article beneath"

A large part of my journey of growing toward the likeness of Christ has been discovering that I had emotions and not just a brain. My emotions were created by God, a gift from God, and a way to understand how God was working in my life. Today, as my Director and I reflected on the last two years, I noticed that some of my most impactful prayer practices now stem from realizing how important these emotions are to my spiritual health. In the past, I relied heavily on my brain and thinking and I would control everything in life from there – it was safer, and I was familiar with how to use it. In fact, I was REALLY GOOD at using it. But, as I’ve grown, I’ve come to notice when something feels heavy: it’s impacting my spirit. Then I am able to explore “why?”

A recent example of this that most of you reading can probably relate to is how the content of television shows (or movies) impacts us. I had been watching this particular show for a few months. It was a show that had piqued my curiosity and, through compelling stories and great character development, I found myself hooked and watched through several seasons. However, I started to notice a shift in how this show made me feel. My initial curiosity had been satisfied, and now the content and plot lines of this show had become much darker and it felt heavy. There was one episode that I didn’t think I could finish watching. It was impacting my spirit in such a negative way.

I paused watching this show and explored what I was feeling with God. In the past, I might have just flipped a switch in my head and turned off all the feeling and either moved on to something else without stopping to examine what the experience meant for me, or simply ploughed through and finished what I started, regardless of the spiritual harm incurred. But today I was curious. What did I need to do with this show that I had invested time and emotional energy in? The characters whose stories I knew and whose destinies I wanted to discover? Yes, they were fictional, but my emotional response to them was real. I sensed the Lord was inviting me to release them through prayer, and so I did. I went through the characters and I released their story, their destiny, and how I felt about not being with them to see the whole thing played out to the final chapter. And I felt the weight lift. The show was no longer heavy, and I no longer desired to watch it. Television content is powerful, and I was reminded what kind of dis-ease it can create in my spirit.

As I was considering this with my Spiritual Director today, God showed me that this growth in prayer and emotional awareness is like an archaeology dig for my True Self. Everything is already there. God has created me as a full person. There is a process of digging, moving large amounts of earth, sifting dirt, and then the detail work that painstakingly removes the last grains with a soft brush to reveal the created article beneath. My true self is covered with the dirt and sand of ego, personality, pride and sometimes fear and I am growing by doing the work to dig, discover and reveal pieces of my true self that will bring me closer to the likeness of Christ. It is truly life-bringing. Have you had similar experiences in this life-giving journey? I’d love to hear about them...